You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
