How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
