I just threw up on my dentist
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
