i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
