Just fell off a train. Bad.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
