The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
