I'm going to jail i love you
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
