She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
