Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Alive.
So much puke
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
