I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I intend to get homeless drunk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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