Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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