I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
