I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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