Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
