i jhust puked up my retainher.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
