I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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