So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
