Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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