you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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