i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
