yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize