new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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