Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
There are leaves in my underwear?
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