perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
