her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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