the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
