I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
