I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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