Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
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How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
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Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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