Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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