I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
