i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
