Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
