david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
