My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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