I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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