Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
