need another drink. this is the easiest way
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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