the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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