Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
