My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
