Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
