Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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