i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
