I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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