i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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