All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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