my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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