And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
