i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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