I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
