somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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