My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
