I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
