In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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