No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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