Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
