There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
