dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
